Fact #4

Driving from Abu Dhabi to Dubai most days is fine when you can listen to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue

Working Hard

Tropic Thunder. What a fantastic, hilarious and outrageous film. It was everything I enjoy in a good comedy. It had a great premise, constant laughs and, best of all, it offended lots of people. But more than this, I think my favourite aspect was the genius of Tom Cruise. Almost unrecognisable in a fat suit and make up, he stole every scene he was in. He showed a whole side to his acting talent that had rarely been seen before.

Now, I have a few friends who didn't go to see Tropic Thunder.

Why?

Becasue they think Tom Cruise has "weird religious ideas".

Ok, so maybe he has some funny ideas about life or whatever, but he is one of the worlds greatest actors and has been for about twenty years. Every film he makes is a sign of quality. Go on, pick a bad Tom Cruise film. I don't mean a Tom Cruise film that you didnt really enjoy, I mean a bad Tom Cruise film. You can't.

But, now people won't go to see him because of something in his private life.

I don't like Britney Spears music, but I really don't give a damn about her private life and I would hapilly listen to any of her music if I liked it. I don't care if England footballer Ashley Cole has fifteen affairs and sells his soul to the devil, aslong as he tackles well and feeds the ball up to Wayne Rooney. I don't care if Kiefer Sutherland parties everynight till dawn, aslong as Jack Bauer is clear headed enough to take down some terrorists tomorrow, dammit.

The problem seems to be that people are confusing private life with jobs. Is their private life squeaky clean and dull? Would the Starbucks manager sack them if they knew they had gained two stone in the last month? Would the accounting department stop their wages if they found out they were in love with their neighbour? Should we stop cab drivers from earning a wage because of their religion?

A job is a job. A private life is supposed to be just that. Magazines are full of photos of stars not doing their job. Unfortunately, alot of todays "stars" are famous for nothing at all. And people lap it up.

Im going to start a new magazine called "People Who Are Actually Good At Something Doing Their Job"

I think I might last one issue...

Fact #3

95% of me didn't want to watch Mamma Mia!

100% of me loved it.

Discuss.

The Fourth Lion

I'm English.
I love football.
Therefore, I support the England football team.
It is a cross to bear.

English fans are always put through sheer hell. The newspapers create such unrealistic goals that our failures seem even greater than ever. We may hate the team at times, get pissed off with them alot and have sweaty nervous palms even if we're 5-0 up with 5 minutes to go, but you simply support your country.

Now if you dont have a national team worth a poo (ahem...UAE) then I guess you tend to pick someone else when it comes to World Cups and such.
This annoys me.
When England failed to qualify for the 2008 Euro's, I didnt choose another country. I just watched the tournament and enjoyed the football, all the while desperately trying to ignore the overwhelming pain of not having England involved.
But here, without a national team of your own that's ever going to get to the finals of any competition, there's a huge amount of band wagon jumping.
For the last World Cup, many started wearing Brazil shirts as if they had always supported them. Apart from Pele and 'that one that got fat' I doubt if they could tell you any more than they wear yellow. Now when Brazil were knocked out of the World Cup, the bins around town were suddenly flowing with unwanted Brazil tops and the sports shops had a sudden rush for Italian and French shirts.

My point is, us England fans live through 90 minutes of agony with every game. I can count on two fingers the important games that I actually enjoyed. (Germany 1 England 5, and more recently, Croatia 1 England 4....FYI)
As an England fan, the media always tell us we should be winning competitions but us real fans know that we just dont have what it takes and luck is rarely on our side.
I truly hope I'm wrong and one day before I leave the world, I will get to see us claim a trophy of worth. But whatever happens, I wont be switching countries just to get a bit of glory.
We invented the damn game and it just seems to haunt us.

Fromage Rules

Although many people love to tell others that they are a DJ....it's not something I divulge easily. I'm not sure why, but it feels like its not really a worthwhile profession.
In fact, I know it isn't. But it pays well and it's money for old rope.
After every gig, I get a wad of cash and I always get a tinge of guilt. You really want to give me that much for pressing play and stop all evening?
I'm aware there is a certain skill to picking the right song at the right time. Experience tells you how to turn a crap night into one with a fighting chance of success. And its not everyone that can notice that the little things (lighting, positioning of dance floor, quality of sound, running order) are the things that alter the outcome of the night.
Still, I feel guilt.
Then I see the so-called 'trendy DJ' brigade, and suddenly I feel I should be given more credit.
I deal in cheese. Fun. People get drunk, people smile, laugh and get sweaty as I take them on a journey through as many different music styles as they will allow me.
I play the songs they know, the songs they had forgotten about but loved and maybe slip a few newbies in too.
People sing along, people cheer to the intro of a well-timed classic and everyone goes home happy and singing bizarre versions of Bohemian Rhapsody as they stagger out in search of a taxi.
Now, go to a 'trendy' club.
What do you see? Dour faces. Pristine make up. Lots of staring. Very little in the way of smiling. All this to the soundtrack of the latest RnB, mass-produced-bile.
Yet, these places are packed. How?
It depresses me that people are more than willing to spend a night out seemingly pissed off or bored.
I remember going to a few clubs in my youth. At about midnight, the DJ would start playing a few silly songs. The place would erupt. Everyone suddenly united in having fun and letting loose.
This would last ten minutes before we returned to the latest force-fed garbage from the "charts".
And so, everyone would go back to staring at each other.
Where's the fun people?
Cheesy DJ's often get a lot of stick, but we are the one's that give you the nights you remember. If you're the type who often frequents moody clubs with underdeveloped doormen, extortionate drinks and dull, carbon-copy Rap.........I promise you, there's fun to be had somewhere else. Enjoy cheese while you're still young enough to dance all night!
You'll miss it when you can't cope anymore.....

The Chav Has Landed

Exclusivity is a tricky thing. It's nice to be one of a few, but then again you don't want to be the only ones.
As Abu Dhabi becomes more recognised around the world, and it appears more and more in Travel Agents windows in the UK, us 'Dhabians' are starting to consider how our city will feel in the future. Naturally, Dubai is where we look for a pretty good forecast.
And the dread sets in.
I wont dilly-dally, I hate Dubai. Well, hate is a strong word, but I don't spend more time than absolutely necessary there. It's overcrowded, traffic-jammed morning to night, disjointed and worst of all, it has a huge ego. I'm sure when Dubai is finished in 15 to 20 years, it will be a nice place to whizz around and go "oooh" and "ahhh" at the pretty buildings. But if current trends continue, along with the mental architecture will be the worst of infestations....the British Chav.
They started arriving a few years ago. They saw the cheap deals for unfinished, one-bedroom apartments facing someones' living room, and snapped them up.
They are tattooed, binge-drinking, thong wearing animals, whose only wish is to live exactly the life they used to lead in the UK. They disregard the local traditions and way of life and treat the Dubai bars and clubs as if they were on the Costa Del Slut.
Recently, a British Man and Woman were arrested for having sex on a beach in public view. This was after being warned once by the policemen. I don't know what sentence they will get. Just put them on a plane, that will be enough for me.
This is a Muslim country. This is not the UK.
If you want to live like you're on a council estate, go back there and do it.
But, nowadays, the Brits in Dubai are gathering a reputation for being louts, tarts and all-round scumbags.
Abu Dhabi needs to lock it's doors to these people. Anyone seen entering our airport with either union jack shorts, a Westlife CD or a beach towel with Tennant Extra written on it, should be turned away.
Don't let it happen! Dubai is overrun with them, but we can do better.

Fact #2

80% of the TV that comes from America is shit. Whereas only 65% of UK telly is shit.
Fact.